Radical Honesty

Matthew sits on a bus stop bench eating a sandwich. Roger, a stranger, approaches.


R Do you mind?

M Oh, I’m sorry.

R No, do you mind if I sit here?

M Oh. No.

R Well okay then.

M But you must know that I’m a loud chewer.

R Excuse me?

M That’s what I thought you were saying before, when you said ‘Do you mind?’…I thought you were bothered by my chewing.

R Not at all, I was only making sure it was okay if I sat next to you. You didn’t have to scoot to the end either, there was enough room. I don’t--

M You don’t bite! I know.

R Well, I was going to say that I don’t even hear your chewing. But, that’s right, I don’t bite either.

(Silence)

Anyway, you should know that I have a bad habit of slurping with my straw as I’m finishing a drink.

M Well, who doesn’t?..It’s especially bad with shakes or smoothies.

R You’re right. I own a coffee shop over on Belmont. We have all kinds of smoothies and whatnot; and you’re right, they’re extra prone to slurping. We had to shut the shop down for a week once, we had a problem with mice. The health department shut us down till it was taken care of.

M I love mice. Pet mice, that is. Pet mice and wild mice are two completely different things, you know?

R Really?

M Yeah. I got my bachelor’s degree in psychology. I did a big research project using mice. Pet mice have actually been bred to be more docile. Wild mice are very quick. And dirty too. Anyway, the project wasn’t about the differences between tame and wild mice, it was actually a complicated study on sleep patterns and stress. As a matter of fact, it was published in a very prestigious psychology journal.

R That’s very impressive.

M Yeah. I never told anyone this, but I paid this Asian girl to write it. I mean, I gathered all the information…but I’m not really that good at putting things into words. The Asian girl never got any credit for it either. They tend to be a docile people by nature. Maybe they were bred that way too. More docile.

R I had some poetry published once. It’s in this book of collected poems written by former meth addicts. I’ve been clean for almost seven years now, but I had my days.

M Wow. Well, congratulations. About the seven year sobriety…and the poetry, not the…other…part.

R Yeah. Thanks.

M I used to abuse prescription pain medication when I was a teenager. So I understand the whole addiction thing. I’m sure it’s nothing like crystal meth, but I can imagine.

(Silence)

One time I broke into an ex-lover’s apartment and lit his bed on fire.

R Did it burn the place down?

M No, the neighbors smelled the smoke and were able to smother the fire before it spread too much. But it burned a lot of his pictures and his stamp collection in his night-stand. I used to be a cub scout. I won an award when I was little for being the head of my troop. I’m a natural born leader.

R I tend to be the submissive one usually. But secretly I’m planning how I can silently dominate the other person. I’m very crafty about it. I graduated top of my class in college by being the sly, quiet one.

M Top of your class? Very good. Did you give a speech?

R The administration thought I had social anxiety, so they let the class motor mouth give a speech. It wasn’t very good. I think I was also top of my class because I slept with three of my most difficult professors.

M That’ll do it. I’m sure you’re very intelligent too, though. I can sense it. I’m very intuitive that way. I can usually tell what kind of person someone is just by having a two or three minute conversation with them. I’ve also failed miserably and been molested by my scout leader. I was also molested by a priest; but, seriously, who hasn’t been? I wonder if that’s what made me gay.

R I doubt it. I think it’s biological. I’ve known for as long as I can remember, and I’ve never been molested by a priest. Or a scout leader. Or anyone really. But still, you can’t ever really trust anyone. Once I made my neighbor’s dog trust me, then I fed it rat poison.

M Did it bark a lot?

R Not really. I just went a little overboard with the power. Dog’s are so trusting. It’s kind of sad. I felt bad afterward, but I never actually worked up enough guts to tell them that it was me who killed their dog.

M Probably better. People don’t really understand things like that. I can sense that you’re not a malicious person by nature though. But, again, I’ve been wrong.

R I used to think I was never wrong. That my brain actually had a system that was better than average, that my logic superseded most. I still occasionally think like that.

M My mother used to slap me in the mouth with a hairbrush when I acted too confident. But that would be a nice way to think. That you were always right, no matter what. Would you like the rest of my sandwich, I don’t think I’m going to eat the rest.

R Well, if you’re not going to finish it. I hate to waste things.

M Me too. That’s why I offered.

R Well, here comes the bus.

M Would you possibly like to sit next to me on the bus? There are a lot of deranged lunatics on the bus, so I was just thinking…

R Actually, to be honest, I don’t have to take the bus. I saw you sitting here, and I’ve seen you sitting here before. You just seemed interesting. I thought maybe I’d try to strike up a conversation. And if that didn’t work I was going to take the bus and see where you got off.

M That’s kind of stalkerish.

R I know.

M Okay.

R Well, maybe I’ll see you here tomorrow.

M Same time.

R I’ll be here.

M I’m Matthew.

R Roger.

M Nice to meet you, Roger. I’ll be seeing you.

R Since we’re being honest. (Roger kisses Matthew)

M Since we’re being honest, that was the first kiss I’ve had in a year and a half.

R How was it?

M I’ve got to get on the bus.

R Where are you headed?

M Home.

R I could drive you.

M The kiss was very, very…good.

R My car is over in that parking lot.